It was this day around 12 years back when I was cut to part a piece of me from my body and my soul.
Yes, every mother would understand when I say this because the ten months attachment which grows like a part of you and then are placed in front of you as a specimen – here’s your baby!
Even though the umbilical cord is cut, and the baby is separated from the mother, the child is never separated from the soul of the mother. It is that connection which always makes her worry for her child in every thick or thin times.
Thinking that it is 12 years feels like yesterday and the handsome young man that you have turned into is really amazing because my eyes have seen you changing from that infant to this young man Rahi, that you are today.
Your naïve nature and innocence have always worried me because I always feel you are in a dream world and it is true that you’re a dreamer as your stories are also related to a world which we all dream to be in. But the reality is much far from that and hence, sometimes I worry how you will cope-up with the insensitive world.
But this morning when you were telling me the incident that occurred in your class with your friend Mahnoor, where some kid was being naughty, and they were treating other kid like a slave and Mahnoor raised her concern with that kid as not to do but still he did. This made Mahnoor upset and hence she went to tell her teacher about it. Class Teacher took it as kid’s game, and she said if they are fine then you shouldn’t bother. This made Mahnoor feel sad and angry. You as a good and caring friend went to make her laugh and with your silly gesture she did laugh!
When I asked you why? what made you do so?, And your answer was that when Mahnoor gets angry she gets headache and she was holding her head, so I figured something is upsetting her.
No matter how insensitive this world may be my dear Rahi be who you are and never change. Because this is what we need more, and I am sure with your generation things will change.
Wishing you loads of love and wishes for your dreams to come true. The way every day you say, ‘I love you Mom’!, without any reason like a song, each time I thank for having you in my life. We only planned to have a baby, but we had no clue when you will be born and how you would be, but it happened to be on Women’s International Day – March 8th and you a Feminist by nature what can I ask more!!!
Happy Birthday Son, enjoy and yes, eat less sweet hon!
Love is a very beautiful word with a beautiful meaning, isn’t it?
Whether the love is for your beloved, your parents, siblings, friends, animals, your children and so many more they differ in the sense the expression of each type of love can differ.
I remember when my daughter long back went for her science camp for 3 days and as usual I told her to enjoy this time. But she says I cried when she came back…! Well, even today she teases me for that and I make joke out of it that actually I cried because you came back!!!
“The moment we cry in a film is not when things are sad but when they turn out to be more beautiful than we expected them to be” ~ Alain de Botton
All that is fun and now after many years my son went for his science camp for 3 days. I have not let him go alone anywhere until this time. We never encouraged sleepover for our kids as parents. It’s not that we don’t understand that or know that kids enjoy but thinking of other issues we always avoided. Kids have done sleepover with friends where we as parents are also present there.
Hence, when my son was going for his science camp I had all the typical motherly worries, will he be able to find things out there, will he be able to manage himself etc..! But then I said well he has to manage no matter what because I can’t go and help so why worry and get stressed!
“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it” ~ Mitch Albom
Though at home everyone missed him, we as parents and his sister but it was only our dog Reyna who actually expressed it by holding on to his clothes and sleeping on them.
He had left on Tuesday and today he came back. Me and my husband were waiting for the time and also the school notification about their arrival so we can go and pick him up.
The wait was done after couple of my meetings and then when I got the text message from my son’s school, we both went to receive him.
I was really not sure how my reaction would be because I was normal and eager to see him and hear all his stories. The moment I saw my son’s face in the middle of his other schoolmates, tears filled in… is this love? The moment he came to me and I hugged him I started crying more.
When they are far you miss them because you love them but when they are with you then? Then also it’s an expression of love through tears conveying that, I missed you!
“There is nothing as powerful as mother’s love, and nothing as healing as a child’s soul”
I had this opportunity to watch Tamil movie – 96 and much thanks to my hubby who actually put up a review about this movie and that’s when came to know about the existence of this movie.
This is a story about school-time crush and how we move on in life and that crush still remains in your heart but they never get together in life, at least in this movie its like that.
The movie is good and what I liked about it is that in this the crush or love is from both sides and hence the loss of being together in life is sensed more and as an audience you feel sorry for them because no matter how many years have gone, at the reunion the love or crush is still at the highest intensity and yet they go back to their lives respecting what they have committed for.
This movie actually brought lot of my school-time memories and hence I want to write this post in remembering all those boys who had a crush on me and some I don’t even know at that time and some I came to know later in life when they got connected with me on social media.
Actually, I never had any crush or love in school or college time. But I do remember one which came in as a proposal in life later and I came to know very late about it.
“Some memories are unforgettable, remaining ever vivid and heartwarming!” ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin
This was when I was in 10th grade and I was visiting my Grandma from my Mom’s side. I remember I used to be more hanging out with my Aunt, who used to visit her friend’s place who was a widow with two boys. One was way older and the other seemed like in college or high-school. The boy I will call here as Madhu, who would silently gaze at me when I used to visit their house with my Aunt and he would never utter a word with me but would talk to my Aunt. I used to be a shy and scary as I used to find it a bit awkward visiting from different state to this one.
The visits were more and so I happened to meet Madhu more often and his stare would make me a bit awkward and I used to ask my Aunt about Madhu. Slowly things started getting in such a way that when I am at my front door at my Aunt’s place or my Uncle’s place he could see me through his front deck, that’s the house was close.
I remember once I was walking down the road with my cousin and he waited for me till evening until I returned home.
He used to sometimes follow us when I am going with my Aunt and used to engage my Aunt in talks. As much praise I have heard from my Aunt about him, that much I felt good about him as he was serious about his studies and he is sincere and well behaved.. all this only made me think of him as a good person.
That vacation went by quick and I remember the last day he ran after my Aunt asking about us, if we have left and my Aunt said they will be leaving tomorrow morning and he just came up with some excuse to come to our home. He was there for long time staring at me and I was kind of smiling as I think I felt that he will miss us.
“Time flies, but memories last forever.”
Things moved on and after couple of years when I came back again on vacation, I didn’t see him at all. I got curious and I asked my Aunt about Madhu and she said oh, he joined Army so he is not here in town. That made me miss him but I felt good that he is focused on his career and life.
Time was flying like a kite, I got busy with my high-school and then college and so forth. On my every visit I used to ask my Aunt about Madhu and I used to get news that he was tired of Army life and he escaped from there and so now cops are looking for him. I used to worry, now what? And my Aunt would say they will take him back and he will be completing his Army training as one shouldn’t be running away from the training.
I used to worry and think about it when I used to visit my Grandma’s place but when I used to come back to my home the usual life kicked in and I got busy with my life.
Dating concept was not something that we had and hence, there was nothing like that I could think of him or any other guy during that time. Anyway, I got busy with life and after many years I went back to visit my Aunt with my 4 year old daughter.
This was the time when I was asking about all the people that I have known since my childhood and my Aunt would give me all the updates about the neighboring people and I brought his name…where’s Madhu? How is he doing? Did he go back to Army? What is he doing?
“Good times become good memories and bad time become good lessons..”
The answer that I got from my Aunt was painful and shocking too. My Aunt said, they left this place as they sold their property and moved to a different place. His elder brother is married and he lives somewhere close by but Madhu had come here with his mother to ask for marriage with your parents. This was something I initially couldn’t believe. Because, even though I thought he liked me when we used to see each other during my visits, but I never thought that he was so serious about me. I got curious and asked, when did they meet my parents?
My Aunt said, during the time when your Mom and Dad were visiting here and you were busy with college, during that time they visited here and said their son Madhu likes their daughter and would like to marry with everyone’s blessings. I was shocked but was sad and it was a mixed emotion.
I said and?
Aunt said, your Dad said we don’t intend our daughter to get married to an Army guy. And even if we do want to then we don’t want to send our daughter to this place.
I was completely shocked and felt like a Bollywood movie where the girl’s father is always playing the villain role. All I could imagine in my mind was Madhu’s Mom because she was a very respectful woman in the area and she had raised her two sons without her husband. She was well educated and was working in a good government establishment. I was really feeling sad. I looked at my Aunt and said, is this real? How come then no one said anything about this till date?
“Sometimes I just wish that I could fast forward time, just to see if it’s all worth it in the end.”
My Aunt looked at me and said, well he loved you since school time and I even asked him that have you ever talked to her and his answer was – no!
But he loved you and he thought when the right time comes he would ask your parents permission as he felt you are not the kind of girl who would love and write love letters and continue the relationship..!
That incident made me feel very sad and I feel for Madhu even though it was not love from my side, but the sincerity of him killed my ego. I don’t know if meeting with him and talking to him could give a closure to this but …this has left me with those painful moments yet when I walk through the memory lanes, the moments of visiting his home, his stare, he bringing stuff at home for me and all those opportunities where he wouldn’t miss to see me, even if it was a glance… have tickled my heart at the same time.
I feel life is full of surprises and yet you never know who would come to rescue when you are in need… it could be someone from your past life… or someone new?
“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you”
This blog is based on the verdict of what Supreme Court has declared on Sabarimala, where they are allowing women of all age to enter the Sabarimala temple.
Those who don’t know Sabarimala can read here and understand about the story of Ayappan and his devotees and believers.
I have a personal connection with Ayyappa and the whole nine yards because I used to go with my Dad to all puja’s and temple visits during those 42 days… ! I remember singing bhajans of Ayyappa during those puja’s such as – Thedi varum kannugalil – which even my North India school teacher’s were fan of and I have sang those during my school assembly as well!!!
So, I have a story too and its very close to my heart. When I say heart, its because it involves my Dad who is a big Ayyappan bhakt and I can vouch how deeply he is spiritual with Ayyappan. My dad Meladathe Chandrasekhan Nair who started worshiping Lord Ayyappan at the age of 12 – very young and today he is 83 years old but he went to Sabarimala for 42 years and walked the sabarimala 42 years from Erumelli to see his Lord Ayyappan’s darshanam (visit). Imagine when he started this at the age of 12, being his daughter how I am connected to all of this. Every devotee who completes 18 years of visit to temple will plant a coconut tree there at Sabarimala and my Dad has planted two of them.
Even before my birth my Dad named me Usha -Ushas and I can see all this is related to Ayyappan because he used to often talk about Usha (Dawn) puja, Uccha (afternoon) puja and Vaighuneram (evening) puja.
Every year my Dad used to take leave/PTO from his work to go to Sabarimala after completing his 42 days strict vritham, when he was bachelor I am sure he could and after his marriage still he did follow and went every year. I remember as a kid I used to see my Mom used to go and stay at my friend’s house and after that she used to come when her menstrual cycle was completed. But my Dad never shy away from his social responsibilities even though he was a Guru swamy who used to take lot of kanni swamies with him to Sabarimala. Being a husband and father of his two children he fully did his duties. He used to take four times bath but he used to make sure he dropped his wife to her office while she was in her menstrual phase and he took care of dropping his daughter to school and rest besides doing puja’s in the Ayyappan temple in Uttamnagar, Pune India. He is a devotee and he would do anything in the name of Lord Ayyappa. He earned things to build a temple for Ayyappan in Uttamnagar, Pune Maharashtra instead of building a house for his family. A very true and faithful human being, I am not saying because he is my father but that’s how I have known him from outside people.
There were landlords/sarpanch’s who have given free land to my Dad to build house but my Dad used that land to build Ayyappan temple. His philosophy is if there’s a will there’s a way and so if there’s a way for his family to have their house they will have. He never believed in things that he got as a gift or bribe, belongs to him – he always said this is not hard earned by my effort so it will not stay with me for long so he used to donate that money which they used to get from their boss to the worker’s canteen and every worker used to enjoy the samosa and tea that day.
An honest man, a believer and family man. I am very proud of my Dad for who he is, a very logical and rationale.
In fact I have been to Sabarimala at the age of 9 when I was in 4th grade. I went to Sabarimala by keeping the vritham (42 days) and then went with my maternal Grandma and cousins. I will tell you I still remember it was a hardship being myself a sports person it was touch climbing those mountains and walking continuously before it gets dark and finally rest in a tent that night. Early morning 4 am you get up to take shower in the Pampa river and then walk to the path of darshan of Lord Ayyappa.
I have been there and done that and after that I have more respect for my Dad because it is hardship and only a true dedicated person would take that effort.
My Dad went till he was 79 and then we as kids being selfish stopped him because we don’t want him to be pushed around during stampede and he probably understood our love and dilemma. But what I want to say is religion, belief is all about individuality and personal choices.
I know my Dad, who is very strict about Ayyappan and the vritham that one must follow. I remember there was one Shekharan uncle who was in Military and came to Dad to go to Sabarimala and my Dad did the puja and he wore the mala to go to Sabarimala but guess what he did drink in between those 42 days of vritham when he was not supposed to. He lied to my Dad but somehow some guilt that it came out and he apologized to my Dad. I remember there were many such stories and it was real not a myth.
Many Maharashtrians have faith and they did follow the rules and went with my Dad to Sabarimala and they came back and been to a Ayyappa bhakt in Uttamnagar.
All this is good, and now we hear about the verdict where Supreme court says women can go to Sabarimala irrespective of what age they are. I hear many debates on this who are in favor of this verdict and those who are not.
I am a believer and I feel that one should have freedom to do what they want that doesn’t hurt anyone. I never was religious and I know even today I have my sentiments because of my parents. I will respect what they believe in but over the period of my personal experience I am an agnostic and strong believer in humanity as my religion.
People should have freedom to worship or not to worship. It should be their personal choice.
After this verdict was out, I was listening and reading about this but I had my Dad behind my mind all the time. As I see lot of debates and arguments and discussions on the social media. All this and then I thought of my Dad.
Whenever I felt a doubt, I have always gone to my Dad to ask because I think he is a person who thinks rationally and would give his unbiased response after that he won’t tell me what I should do.
So today, I asked my Dad what is his thoughts on the verdict.
His response: “I don’t agree supreme court’s decision about women’s entry to sabarimala temple. Those who believe in sabarimala ayyappa swami they will not enter the temple when they are in the age-group of 10 – 50.”
I responded back to him with love saying, Swami Sharanam and he responded back – Ayyappa Saranam,!
I totally agree, its all about one’s belief system.
If you really believe in God which ever God you will have your faith in that and hence you will follow the rules as supposed to those who don’t believe will not take the effort to do anything.
It’s all in the belief system. Now those who don’t believe and still want to prove something will go and visit ….? Not sure what they are trying to prove!!!
I know that in other parts of the world wherever Ayyappa temple is there women go and worship and there is no restriction so what is this all about?
Is this specific about Sabarimala? Then women who are okay to take that hike during their menstrual period is totally their personal discretion I believe unless there is a separate agenda.
Still, I believe this should not cause any issues to those who believe in Ayyappa dharma sashtav.
Because at the end its about one’s own belief. Those who believe will follow the rules and those who won’t will not take the effort to do anything.
Being an agnostic, I will say let’s live and let others live peacefully, as long as you don’t discriminate between human being all is well and peaceful!
Swamiye Saranamayyiappa !
These days I am in a conflict with mind and heart. Yes, heart would like to talk a lot with the paper which means, I would love to express my thoughts and emotions but then mind tries to manipulate – Why, unnecessarily? Let it be…keep it with you!!!
My heart, which started writing as kid because I felt my pen as my heart was spelling and sharing my views with the pages of the diary that my Dad gave it to me. That was my way to open my heart which gave me the satisfaction of expressing everything and anything and yet I have the feeling of keeping it private from everyone.
Time changed and I started blogging. One should change with time isn’t it? Moreover the way I groomed myself as a kid of 7-8 years old is by writing down everything which made my heart and mind feel very relieved, it is a way for me to relax and be calming.
I remember I used to tell my friends, ‘not to take tension but give it to others’, as a joke!
Few things that came to my mind which I felt I should write so that I get the feel that I shared it and it is out of my system!
1. Judging a person does not define who they are… It defines who you are!
If someone wants to do something for others, it’s their emotions and feelings that they share with – no one has a right to call that out by names. Because every individual has different ways to express their love and respect so be mindful when you pass your judgemental remarks. It let others to think who you are!!! Never discourage others what they want to do if they share it with you that’s because they consider you as a friend and trust you. Don’t discourage them by judging them it tells about you and not them.
2. Everyone is a Moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody!
People sometimes due to overconfidence behave in certain way and go too far but when they find themselves in trouble and unable to cope-up with they ask for help. Now, helping is good and when you do that with all good intentions and still if things doesn’t work out or help other to understand then it is better to show them the mirror. The person who actually came asking you for help changes immediately when they feel they’re exposed and makes the helper a fool in front of others and moves on as a hero. The helper looks like a fool!
When the helper confronts the one who came asking for help at the first place, they say he was my childhood friend and I didn’t want to lose his friendship! That’s the justification they give for their act.
One can imagine what they would do to get away with their ego and false image! Here they did this because they know the childhood friend will stop talking and will spread the rumor among all the common friends and the helper will always be there as they will not lose them – a false assumption!
I think the helper should have left them alone to deal with their problem instead of getting involved because the helper is a stranger to the childhood friend and company! One should live life on their on terms and not get involved in other’s because at the end everyone is an individual let them lead it.
3. It’s funny how most people become who they promised they would never be!
When people desire something in life, they make all kinds of promises that they are the best and they are this and that and you trust them and get into the contract which binds you with them and establishes a relationship. Through out you have found that they are not what they promised they are instead they only act in front of you that way.
When Kamala made a mistake and she was caught it became a life-long reminder for her and hence even when she wants to say anything she is restricted because she will be pointed out of her mistakes. But I believe this doesn’t allow other party to keep making mistakes. Whether you smoke or drink is not the question. The question is did you not promise not to and still you continue as hide-and-seek and finally you come out saying this is how it is – the person can’t do anything other than thinking let them do what they want to do, why you want to attach yourself to get hurt?
Lesson is not to trust anyone with anything after all you’re human and with time you will change and you will get tired of wearing a mask all the time! You will have to come out one day so might as well be now than later!!!
4. It takes guts and humility to admit the mistakes. Admitting we’re wrong is courage, not weakness!
I believe we are human and hence we do make mistakes and that is okay. Even when you read the Indian mythological stories in Ramayana, there also Ram is portrayed as the best human being still he behaves disrespectfully with his wife Sita based on what he over heard from his laundry guy, who was hitting his wife saying I am not like our King Ram who accepted his wife even though she was living captivity with another king Ravan. Ram could have set things straight by supporting his wife and by bringing awareness to his people that being captured doesn’t mean you disown your people but he didn’t do that, instead he did what he felt his people in the kingdom would appreciate – the question is, if it was Ram and Sita had to decide will she even think of disowning him? I doubt because women are raised always with the thought that Men can do anything and it’s okay but Women are like a white cloth even a little stain would make it look ugly and hence throw it away!
Mistakes are okay and accepting the mistakes saying, yes I cheated and that is wrong on my part and I am ready to accept any punishment for that. It’s humbling and learning experience for anyone though it is hurtful in heart forever for everyone. Similarly, if other person has done a mistake in indulging with something and dealing with until it became a problem for them to handle then at least one should have the guts to accept that they did that mistake. In fact, they call out other people’s wrong deed and shine themselves. A little sunshine in your eyes can blind your eyesight for a moment, watch out everyone doesn’t have to be that high and famous all time, even the Sun who is so powerful with its heat and light has to set at the end of the day – you’re human and be the one that you preach to all!
This time the trip to India gave some time to read some useful books which enlightens your thought process through mythological stories. And relating it with the present situations, stories and scenarios it helped to understand that, life is simple and one need to keep it light and simple!
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”
This morning I read Shweta Nanda’s article on empty nest. I applaud her to acknowledge something like this and not shy away because of the celebrity status quo.
Some of her call outs in the article made me think that may be for homemakers sometimes it’s more difficult than the women who have career outside. Homemakers focus, and dedication is all around the home and associated with it and hence when kids go away the void is bigger than what the working women can feel and that is because working women share some space with outside world whether it be with work and with colleagues and friends.
“You will never achieve what you are capable of if you’re too attached to things you’re supposed to let go of.”
Homemakers have to start from the scratch and that itself is a change which could be challenging, one can feel that more in the article.
I also read in her article about “life is flawed, there is no such thing as a soulmate and nothing lasts forever is so empowering.”
This statement made me a bit sad or should I say I still want to believe there is something called soulmate and yes when nest is empty one can plan life with their soulmate, it could be traveling, a peaceful walk/hike or even spending time together doing similar tastes of hobbies. But given that kids have gone and now your partner is also not there then definitely its individual choice that one needs to make and for a working woman she may have many options by choosing a job which gives more travel opportunity or travel to different country and work there as long as you want to stay there and move on to next and so on.
But yes, when you hear nothing lasts forever that kind of gives you freedom and hence it is empowering.
“We have nothing that is really our own; we hold everything as a loan.” ~ Nicolas Poussin
All this tells me is process for detachment and this doesn’t have to be until the kids leaves the nest. It can start early by teaching your kids to be independent early enough to manage their own things with parental guidance.
I often think of those moments where kids will go away, and my heart should not cry or depend on them. Of course, as a mother you will always care for the well-being of your children but when children have left then we should allow them to lead their life the way they want as by now we have raised an adult who will make the decision that is appropriate for them at least.
Basically, it ends up with a task completion of raising kids and let them fly and we move on with another task which should be nourish yourself that gives more happiness and contentment in life.
“If you depend on others to make your dream come true, it may not ever happen.” ~ Dawn