Let me …!

I believe I can fly,
Yes, I can at least try,
Let me study like others,
I also have my dreams,
That I want to fulfill,
Don’t cripple my wings,
Don’t stop my way,
Let me be who I am,
Don’t take my books away
Let me compete like everyone,
Let me stand on my own,
But just let me!
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There is always some madness in love …!

Love is a very beautiful word with a beautiful meaning, isn’t it?

Whether the love is for your beloved, your parents, siblings, friends, animals, your children and so many more they differ in the sense the expression of each type of love can differ.

I remember when my daughter long back went for her science camp for 3 days and as usual I told her to enjoy this time. But she says I cried when she came back…! Well, even today she teases me for that and I make joke out of it that actually I cried because you came back!!!

“The moment we cry in a film is not when things are sad but when they turn out to be more beautiful than we expected them to be” ~ Alain de Botton

All that is fun and now after many years my son went for his science camp for 3 days. I have not let him go alone anywhere until this time. We never encouraged sleepover for our kids as parents. It’s not that we don’t understand that or know that kids enjoy but thinking of other issues we always avoided. Kids have done sleepover with friends where we as parents are also present there.

Hence, when my son was going for his science camp I had all the typical motherly worries, will he be able to find things out there, will he be able to manage himself etc..! But then I said well he has to manage no matter what because I can’t go and help so why worry and get stressed!

“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it” ~ Mitch Albom

Though at home everyone missed him, we as parents and his sister but it was only our dog Reyna who actually expressed it by holding on to his clothes and sleeping on them.

He had left on Tuesday and today he came back. Me and my husband were waiting for the time and also the school notification about their arrival so we can go and pick him up.
The wait was done after couple of my meetings and then when I got the text message from my son’s school, we both went to receive him.

I was really not sure how my reaction would be because I was normal and eager to see him and hear all his stories. The moment I saw my son’s face in the middle of his other schoolmates, tears filled in… is this love? The moment he came to me and I hugged him I started crying more.

When they are far you miss them because you love them but when they are with you then? Then also it’s an expression of love through tears conveying that, I missed you!

“There is nothing as powerful as mother’s love, and nothing as healing as a child’s soul”

~ Dawn

Time moves in one direction and —> memory in another <—

I had this opportunity to watch Tamil movie – 96 and much thanks to my hubby who actually put up a review about this movie and that’s when came to know about the existence of this movie.

This is a story about school-time crush and how we move on in life and that crush still remains in your heart but they never get together in life, at least in this movie its like that.
The movie is good and what I liked about it is that in this the crush or love is from both sides and hence the loss of being together in life is sensed more and as an audience you feel sorry for them because no matter how many years have gone, at the reunion the love or crush is still at the highest intensity and yet they go back to their lives respecting what they have committed for.
This movie actually brought lot of my school-time memories and hence I want to write this post in remembering all those boys who had a crush on me and some I don’t even know at that time and some I came to know later in life when they got connected with me on social media.
Actually, I never had any crush or love in school or college time. But I do remember one which came in as a proposal in life later and I came to know very late about it.

“Some memories are unforgettable, remaining ever vivid and heartwarming!” ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

This was when I was in 10th grade and I was visiting my Grandma from my Mom’s side. I remember I used to be more hanging out with my Aunt, who used to visit her friend’s place who was a widow with two boys. One was way older and the other seemed like in college or high-school. The boy I will call here as Madhu, who would silently gaze at me when I used to visit their house with my Aunt and he would never utter a word with me but would talk to my Aunt. I used to be a shy and scary as I used to find it a bit awkward visiting from different state to this one.

The visits were more and so I happened to meet Madhu more often and his stare would make me a bit awkward and I used to ask my Aunt about Madhu. Slowly things started getting in such a way that when I am at my front door at my Aunt’s place or my Uncle’s place he could see me through his front deck, that’s the house was close.
I remember once I was walking down the road with my cousin and he waited for me till evening until I returned home.
He used to sometimes follow us when I am going with my Aunt and used to engage my Aunt in talks. As much praise I have heard from my Aunt about him, that much I felt good about him as he was serious about his studies and he is sincere and well behaved.. all this only made me think of him as a good person.
That vacation went by quick and I remember the last day he ran after my Aunt asking about us, if we have left and my Aunt said they will be leaving tomorrow morning and he just came up with some excuse to come to our home. He was there for long time staring at me and I was kind of smiling as I think I felt that he will miss us.

“Time flies, but memories last forever.”

Things moved on and after couple of years when I came back again on vacation, I didn’t see him at all. I got curious and I asked my Aunt about Madhu and she said oh, he joined Army so he is not here in town. That made me miss him but I felt good that he is focused on his career and life.
Time was flying like a kite, I got busy with my high-school and then college and so forth. On my every visit I used to ask my Aunt about Madhu and I used to get news that he was tired of Army life and he escaped from there and so now cops are looking for him. I used to worry, now what? And my Aunt would say they will take him back and he will be completing his Army training as one shouldn’t be running away from the training.
I used to worry and think about it when I used to visit my Grandma’s place but when I used to come back to my home the usual life kicked in and I got busy with my life.
Dating concept was not something that we had and hence, there was nothing like that I could think of him or any other guy during that time. Anyway, I got busy with life and after many years I went back to visit my Aunt with my 4 year old daughter.
This was the time when I was asking about all the people that I have known since my childhood and my Aunt would give me all the updates about the neighboring people and I brought his name…where’s Madhu? How is he doing? Did he go back to Army? What is he doing?

“Good times become good memories and bad time become good lessons..”

The answer that I got from my Aunt was painful and shocking too. My Aunt said, they left this place as they sold their property and moved to a different place. His elder brother is married and he lives somewhere close by but Madhu had come here with his mother to ask for marriage with your parents. This was something I initially couldn’t believe. Because, even though I thought he liked me when we used to see each other during my visits, but I never thought that he was so serious about me. I got curious and asked, when did they meet my parents?
My Aunt said, during the time when your Mom and Dad were visiting here and you were busy with college, during that time they visited here and said their son Madhu likes their daughter and would like to marry with everyone’s blessings. I was shocked but was sad and it was a mixed emotion.
I said and?
Aunt said, your Dad said we don’t intend our daughter to get married to an Army guy. And even if we do want to then we don’t want to send our daughter to this place.

I was completely shocked and felt like a Bollywood movie where the girl’s father is always playing the villain role. All I could imagine in my mind was Madhu’s Mom because she was a very respectful woman in the area and she had raised her two sons without her husband. She was well educated and was working in a good government establishment. I was really feeling sad. I looked at my Aunt and said, is this real? How come then no one said anything about this till date?

“Sometimes I just wish that I could fast forward time, just to see if it’s all worth it in the end.”

My Aunt looked at me and said, well he loved you since school time and I even asked him that have you ever talked to her and his answer was – no!
But he loved you and he thought when the right time comes he would ask your parents permission as he felt you are not the kind of girl who would love and write love letters and continue the relationship..!

That incident made me feel very sad and I feel for Madhu even though it was not love from my side, but the sincerity of him killed my ego. I don’t know if meeting with him and talking to him could give a closure to this but …this has left me with those painful moments yet when I walk through the memory lanes, the moments of visiting his home, his stare, he bringing stuff at home for me and all those opportunities where he wouldn’t miss to see me, even if it was a glance… have tickled my heart at the same time.

I feel life is full of surprises and yet you never know who would come to rescue when you are in need… it could be someone from your past life… or someone new?

“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you”

~ Dawn

A Bart ride one afternoon…!

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This afternoon for some reason instead of taking Uber I decided to take Bart.

When you are not used to public transport for long time, it can freak you out. I was making sure I am getting into the right train and then when I did get into one, I made sure I am sitting at a seat which is near the door and was constantly looking at the window to check which station it is.

“Time goes faster the more hollow it is. Lives with no meaning go straight past you, like trains that don’t stop at your station.” ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

I had been a heavy user of public transport when I was in Toronto, Canada and to tell you the truth I enjoyed it even though the initial radar of alertness was always there about your surroundings but that I don’t look at as inexperience. I rather feel one should be cautious about their surroundings always.

“You can’t understand a city without using its public transportation system.” ~ Erol Ozan

Bart, I always have heard negative things whether it’s about the issues with the riders or with the train itself. All these thoughts were going through my mind but being positive as my habit I enjoyed the ride. Few people were getting off as their destination arrived and the train was getting empty or rather it was getting more spacious.

I saw three kids – I can say because there was a boy who could be of 4- 5 years old and he was being referred as Chris. Chris was getting bored and restless and one can see that because the other two people (boy and a girl) who looked as if they are a couple but very young may be around 18-19 years old and I don’t know their names. Chris was so restless that he started lying down on the seat and later on the floor of the train and I wondered why he is doing like that and how come the couple doesn’t say anything to him.

As I was thinking about it, the girl started calling him, Chris, get up why are you being like this? And the boy had no response.

After long time Chris got up and sat on the seat and I was in between busy looking at the name of the station as the train stopped.

“The easiest way to meet people is to just look like someone who is willing to listen” ~ Robert Brault

The girl who was sitting with her boyfriend, looking at me she said, Ma’am are you a therapist by any chance?

I looked at her and smiled and said, ‘Why? You need help for Chris?

She smiled back at me as if nodding yes!

I looked at Chris who was turning his back to me and looking at his mother (by now I heard the conversation where she said you are not listening to your mom).

In a friendly way, I said – Chris, want to be my friend? Give me hi-five!

The mother or the girl as I referred above, said Chris see the lady wants to be your friend. At this, Chris got shy and he started hiding his face.

By that time the boy who was sitting next to Chris’s mother said, why you taking help from strangers?

The girl/mother replied, well you’re not helping me either, so I asked for help at least it will keep him away from misbehaving.

It just took me to think, teenage lovers and probably became mother and all these responsibilities. I felt bad for Chris, because he needed someone who can understand him and probably spend time with him.

“Sometimes the greatest adventure is simply a conversation.” ~ Amadeus Wolfe

I wish I could do something, but I cannot. As the train stopped at my destination, I got up from my seat and waved at Chris, saying Bye Chris, take care.

The mother/girl, immediately asked Chris to say – bye! He was still shy and instead the mother said – Bye lady and you have a great day and thank you!

I smiled back waving at her saying you too!

I reached home and shared the story with my daughter because she is 19 years old and I shared how I felt for that girl and her child.

Sometimes, kids are not kids anymore and those who are kids they don’t get to be kids anymore!!! ~ Dawn

~ Dawn

The wounded recognized the wounded!

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Living in the city can be so different than from the remote villages, one can never imagine.

There is no electricity in the house at night, oil lamps made of brass is used and nature at such times is so quiet and dark that one can only be speechless. The cricket noise and sometimes you will hear the noise in the grass which could be of a snake who is finding its way to you.

All that is scary and adventurous especially when you are visiting during school vacation.

“A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in” ~ Robert Orben

The little girl Asha, who is only 5-6 years old is scared of all these creatures be it snake, insects because some of these ones she has never seen in the city and the variety of spiders you get to see in the rain-forest areas, and their names are more or less the knowledge that she takes from here to her school to share with her friends.

Life in the middle of greenery can be happy until one morning she saw some rashes on her hand. It looked like a rash on the skin which if broken can spill the water and be infectious. She ran to show this to her mom.

Asha: Mom, look …look what happened here? Its red and I feel like itching, but I am scared.

Mom looks at it and talks to her sister (Aunt) Leena.

When Aunt Leena looks at it her immediate reaction –  oh this is spider poison. This is easy to cure once we show her to the village spider physician who practices Ayurveda medicine.

Mom is not much impressed as she doesn’t know if that will help Asha.

However, they plan to take her to the spider related issues treating physician.

Asha along with Aunt Leena goes to see the Ayurveda physician.

The physician of course was an elderly person with grey hair, unshaven slight gray beard with aged grayish eyes, skinny staring at Asha. Asha got scared at first and she hesitated to be in front of him, so she stayed behind her Aunt Leena.

Aunt Leena gave the details and pulled Asha with her hand to show the rashes.

The physician holds the hand and checks with holding his glasses and says yes this is spider bite and I can give her some medicine for which she needs to take shower and come in a towel. This seemed like Ayurveda with some magic.

Asha was scared and whispered to her aunt, ‘you also come I am scared to go alone’!

Aunt Leena said, ‘you should be fine he is going to treat you and give medicine’.

Now, Asha goes to this place where it’s all covered with coconut leaves as a shed and she goes in there with a towel wrapped and finds this physician is waiting for her.

Asha as always cautious and nervous in front of strangers, sat there as the physician asked her to do so. He started chanting some mantras and as he was chanting his hands were touching Asha on her head, shoulder and then her stomach and below when Asha got uncomfortable and started crying to raise her voice enough to be heard, because at this time she feels she is all alone.

The physician gives a stern look at Asha with his grey eyes and splashes some water and then lets her go.

“One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them” ~ Aldous Huxley

Asha is all scared and comes home with her aunt Leena and the moment she gets in the house she runs to her mom and holds her and starts crying.

Asha’s mom asks what happened, what did the physician say?

By now Asha stops crying and tells everything in detail that happened to her.

Asha’s mom gets furious, and she goes out of the room scolding her elder sister Leena,

“Is this how they treat here? I thought he is a respectable man in the community and this is how he treats small kids?”

Aunt Leena when she heard the story, got so angry that she straight went to the physician immediately without thinking for a second time and broke that treatment shed and called off his son to stop this business. She yelled at them saying, “I will let everyone know in this village what you do and how you treat people”.

By saying that she broke the shed and walked out of the place.

That was the day and the spider treating physician’s business was never seen or heard ever. After that incident his shop was closed forever. Asha felt that spider is less scary than the physician. She still can see his face and that picture of the shed where she was sitting and the physician sitting in front of her staring in to her eyes.

“Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul.” ~ Dave Pelzer

We always respect people who are elderly and hence people wouldn’t talk openly about such molestation and abuse that might be still happening around the world. It’s still a taboo and many places it’s the elderly age that inhibits to expose them because they fear what other might say or think about them.

“She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she re encounters the trauma” ~ Judith Lewis Herman

We should be able to share things with our near and dear ones otherwise there is no use of calling loved ones anymore.

If loved ones are the one who are taking these kids, then they need to be extra careful no matter how well you know the person.

Protect your kids from these vicious animals because this puts a life-long impact in the minds of these children who are molested, the spider bite can always be cured but the mental trauma is something that keeps haunting.

“If the sound of happy children is grating on your ears, I don’t think it’s the children who need to be adjusted.” ~ Stefan Molyneux

~ Dawn

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that…!!!

Today I marched in support of the student’s movement ‘Our lives matter’, ‘March for Our Lives’, protest against guns and gun violence.It’s funny that when I was growing up, I never had to get into any such activity. What I love about my childhood is that there might be great matters that adults involved in bringing their voice together but as a child in school I never had to protest or do a march against anything and I take that as a blessing for my life in those days.
Imagine today’s kids are not only stressed about getting good grades or understand a particular problem or concept for exam but also worry about their existence … being alive.

It’s a shame on us!!! We enjoyed our childhood and didn’t make sure that it continues the same or better for our next and many future generations to enjoy that childhood in peace. I have marched for many such protests in this country and each time it was for an equality cause. Sometimes it was due to the inequality, for LGBTQA, for Women and now for Children – it breaks my heart. I was marching along and on and off my eyes fill with tears because whenever I think or see a child I go back to my days and its such a pleasure to be there that I have often said to myself – “wish I could go back and pause that moment”.

“Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr. 

It’s sad when I see kids marching for their lives.
Many motivational speeches were made by students, teachers, and representatives and then someone gave a speech calling out the President of America as the “orange guy”. It put me off there and then itself.
What are we talking about? Peace? Equality? When are we going to learn to respect one another? When? You talk about change and equality and peace but at the same time you put a racist remark and there goes your equality, change and peace.

“An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind”

People take anger and courage as one, people were marching against gun laws and the anger is towards the current administration but I don’t think one can solve anything with anger.
It was amazing how the crowd out there was all about peace and for the children when two students came to me and said can we ask a question and I said sure!

“Do you think there should be cops in schools for protection”?, my answer straight came from my heart as ‘No’!
Because school should not need protection. Schools need more facility and support for education. You need more teachers, students, principal and books. There is no need of guns, a protection as long as teachers are doing their job of teaching and protecting the kids. I went to a school in India and my school don’t have a cop, military or even a gun. The students completely agreed with my opinion as they also felt there is no need of another armed personnel in the school.
I strongly believe, to bring real peace we need to love our enemies. It is tough but we have to be realistic and think about it before its too late. Love your enemy because hatred is only going to bring hatred, anger and revenge then. Let’s not call anyone names, lets be human and ask for peace! March only for PEACE!

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

~ Dawn

The Ones That Love Us, Never Really Leave Us!

Today is a sad day! This morning when Dad called and said that my Uncle (Mom’s brother), expired I was more like a professional receiving a bad news and handling the situation very sensibly. I even told my Dad, tell Mom not to think too much as Uncle has been suffering a lot lately and we all should think it’s a relief for him from all his pains.

Like we all do some news takes time to sink in. My mind unconsciously was processing this news though I was attending meetings and adding value to come up with a business decision. Even when I went to the gym I was telling myself I am going to release all my stress here.

I came back to my desk and while having lunch I wrote a note to my cousins

“Heard the news… Don’t know what to say I grew up with him. All my childhood memories are covered with him… It’s sad yet feel good that I was able to meet him when he was serious first time… I will always cherish the best and will feel happy for having such a Ammavan (Uncle) in my life who was a kid with me when I was a kid and he walked through with me as a friend, guide, advisor always ♥… I don’t want anyone to feel sad because being so good he suffered a lot in the past 21/2 years and he needed this rest but he pulled along because of the love that he has with all of us. Peace and Love”

As soon I wrote this tears rushed into my eyes, as if the writing made me to sink in that news and I was all of a sudden feeling that a big part of my childhood is gone and now it’s only memories.
I couldn’t stop at that as things started rolling in mind…

He was very close to my Mom and then when I was born he really spoiled me. My first time eating beef that too in Jayanti Janata Express train, I remember writing a post on this.
I was always a special niece for him as all my other cousins either they are scared of him or out of respect they will never come in front of him.

I was always different because I never believed that one needs to be away from someone you love and respect. I remember how my Uncle used to play pranks with me and he used to lift me by my legs and put my head down hanging. All this circus I used to enjoy while my Grandma used to get worried.
There are so many memories that it just brings the moment live in front of my eyes.

I remember one time when my neighbor friend called me to give him company to go to the nearby grocery store to get some item for his mom to cook in the kitchen and I agreed to go with him.
It was not dark as sun was still there however, sun was planning to set and by the time we came back it was little dark and my Mom was waiting for me with a stick in hand. That day my uncle was visiting us and he was also standing next to my Mom.
The moment I saw both of them, I knew I am going to get it today and that too a good one.
I started apologizing from far and said Mom, please don’t hit me I will never go again. But my Uncle came forward and by holding my hand he brought me closer to Mom and said but this is important so that you remember very well next time. I was totally surprised at that. He always  pampered me and always supported me in everything but this time it was different.
I wondered what happened, but yes he cared for me dearly and never wanted me as a kid to be in a crowded place that too without my parents or guardians when it was about to get dark.

The best thing about life is that small incidents no matter how old it is the person makes it special and memorable that no matter how old you get it remains fresh in mind as if it happened yesterday.

I have spent a very good portion of my childhood with my Uncle and when he is gone from this world, all I feel is a big part of my childhood is gone. It’s a big void and I hope wherever he is, he should be in peace. I will dearly miss him always!

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained”

~ Dawn